Asexuality and relationships? It’s complicated (to write about)!

One of next part of my “Asexuality (and related concepts) 101” page is going to be about relationships, but there are some things that are making me struggle to write for this section, so I’m asking for a lot of help with this one:

Organization: I had in mind the following general topics: challenges asexuals face finding relationships, ace/ace relationships, mixed relationships, and asexuals’ experiences with different relationship models.

How much should I write about these topics on this page, how much should be split off into other pages? If I’m going to be writing about aromantic asexuals and relationships in particular, should that go under the “Asexuality (and related concepts) 101” page, or under a separate aromanticism page?

Information on ace/ace relationships: I know a lot more about mixed relationships, and how to write about them, but I’m struggling to find information specifically about ace/ace relationships. I was thinking of writing about the following things:

  • How sexual attraction towards one partner isn’t needed in a significant relationship to make it fulfilling.
  • How to find other asexuals?: It can be due to chance that two asexuals are in a relationship. Other asexuals seek each other out online, through dating sites specifically for asexuals (such as AceBook), or sites for people looking for nonsexual relationships, therefore are likely to attract a lot of asexuals (such as Celibate Passions). While AVEN isn’t a dating site, and has rules against being used as one, there are some couples who met over AVEN!
  • Romantic and platonic ace/ace relationships: What they’re like, and the differences between them. This one I’d need a lot of help with, because I can’t seem to distinguish nonsexual romantic from platonic relationships.
  • Rhetoric to avoid: suggesting that all asexuals want romantic relationships, or that platonic relationships are “watered down”.

Other ideas, and anything you’d want me to elaborate on?

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6 thoughts on “Asexuality and relationships? It’s complicated (to write about)!

  1. luvtheheaven

    I’m pretty sure AceBook is practically defunct now, even if it’s not officially so. I tried using it about a year ago and it seemed like most sections & most people’s profiles hadn’t been updated in years. I mean look here: http://juliesondradecker.com/?page_id=2072 and notice that the comment below all of those sites says “Most of these links are dead of the forums are uninhabited.” and that seems like an accurate reaction to me too. I mean at the very least that AceBook isn’t really a very practical way to find other aces. I don’t know much about the others.

    I think the best options nowadays are recently created tumblr and Facebook groups specifically with the purpose of aces meeting other aces FOR DATING.

    Or can you ask anyone who is actually in an ace/ace romantic relationship and see if they can tell you how they first met? 😛

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I might recommend this page: http://fyeahqueerplatoniczucchinis.tumblr.com/faq

    You also might want to check this out: http://rotten-zucchinis.tumblr.com/rotten

    And this old Carnival of Aces theme: https://pianycist.wordpress.com/2013/02/01/january-2013-carnival-of-aces-roundup/

    Or this: http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/72445526718/alloromantics-vs-aromantics-the-great-divide

    And some of the links here: http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/99239802608/teeny-tiny-linkspam-on-greyness especially the ones under the subheading “Being grey and having (grey) relationships”
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I’m not sure how best to help you, really, or what the best answers are for how you write this page.

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    1. luvtheheaven

      Btw the “of” in that quoted comment should probably be “or”: “Most of these links are dead of the forums are uninhabited.” – I’m assuming the author meant “or”.

      I think it’s important to clarify somewhere on these pages that for many of us, the distinction between romantic love & friendship is confusing. One thing to note is that we know the existence of casual sex and/or “one night stands/hook-ups” and/or “friends with benefits” exist, therefore we know sex is not what makes a romantic relationship romantic, and also allosexual people who are in the early stages of a romance and have not yet slept together – and sometimes this period can take many months, especially for high schoolers and stuff – are still in a romantic relationship.

      The reason you (and I, and so many of us) have trouble distinguishing romance from non-romance is that there is no clear cut definition. “It’s romantic to you if you say it’s romantic” or “it’s romantic if it feels romantic” or “it’s romantic if you decide to define it that way” is basically the gist.

      I’ve seen romantic asexuals say the distinction feels clear for them – they feel sure they’ve had romantic crushes on people. They would never cuddle with people who were “only friends”. Or never kiss “only friends”. But they do these things with their romantic partners. They feel like they’re “in love”. A feeling of “limerance” is often, but not always, involved: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence And you can be aromantic but still enter into a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons, because for some people Aromantic does not mean they don’t want a romantic relationship, it just means they don’t feel the initial feelings of romantic attraction – just like an asexual person could potentially still have sex, despite not feeling sexual attraction. I hope that helps.

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  2. sablin27

    I suspect it would make sense for aromanticism to have its own page with a link under the romantic orientations section, but it depends how much you have to say.

    As whatever the romantic equivalent is of a introverted sex-repulsed, non-libidoist asexual, I can’t tell you anything much about ace/ace romance (or romance in general). I could give you a couple of links on relationship anarchy and the normative relationship hierarchy, topics which I find interesting, but I’ve no idea how alternate lifestyles other than maybe polyamoury, work out in practice. I suspect most aros either date fairly normatively or don’t date, are lonely or not and worry about not having anyone to raise kids with or when they’re old or not.

    I can’t seem to distinguish nonsexual romantic from platonic relationships.
    Discusion on that one: http://rotten-zucchinis.tumblr.com/post/101478618100
    http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2014/11/02/wtf-romantic-in-which-i-try-to-understand-romantic-attraction-and-relationships-and-fail/

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    1. Aqua Post author

      I feel like I can’t tell people much about romance in general, because I’m WTFromantic or quoiromantic. It makes writing this whole section very difficult, because I can’t intuitively tell what’s romantic or not, so that’s why I’ve been asking for a lot of help with this one. I know of Relationship Anarchy, but not that much about asexuals’ experiences with it specifically.

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      1. sablin27

        I know of Relationship Anarchy, but not that much about asexuals’ experiences with it specifically.
        Me, too. If asexuals are doing it, they’re not talking about it where I can hear.

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