Talking about sex-repulsed and favorable sub-spaces

Earlier this year, there were a lot of blog posts about sex-repulsion/aversion, and the treatment of sex-repulsed/averse people within the asexual community.

There’ve been more posts speaking in favor of creating sub-spaces, and I strongly agree. The asexual community as it stands, is burdened with a difficult balancing act that still hasn’t been solved. AVEN is by far the largest, and most centralized asexual space, and needs to support all the asexual sub-groups. The tumblr community is decentralized, but still has this same issue. However, it seems like the needs of asexuals who like sex, and sex-repulsed/averse asexuals, are at odds with each other, and that focusing on one group must come at the expense of the other.

It doesn’t have to be that way, and creating sub-spaces for different groups would help ease that burden. I think it’d be great to have these sub-spaces created, and refer them to newbies who might need them, to show that their needs aren’t being forgotten.

If referring newbies to sub-spaces happens, it shouldn’t be done in a way to try and relegate them to the sub-spaces, and away from the larger community. That ends up being exclusionary, and gives off the message of “You’re too _______ for the main community, and risk making asexuality look confusing (if sex-favorable), or look bad (if sex-repulsed or averse), so go over here where you’ll be welcome instead”.

Sex-favorable asexuals may benefit from having their own sub-spaces, as an affirmation that they, and other people like them, exist. Sure, there are a lot of topics on AVEN and in the tumblr community about having sex, but numerically, there are few sex-favorable asexuals, and they may still be under-represented. I’ve asked about this before on AVEN:

I pointed someone to that thread [about asexuals who enjoy sex], who enjoyed sex but wasn’t sure if they were asexual because of that. On the second page, I told them that I didn’t know if there are simply few sex-favorable(?) asexuals or if there are more, but [they’re] under-represented.

Some doubt that they are asexual, because a lot of definitions of asexuality that unintentionally exclude them, or the possibility of being asexual never crossed their mind. A sub-space may help sex-favorable asexuals realize that they’re asexual sooner, and find each other, so they don’t feel isolated over feeling like they’re the only person who is both asexual and favorable towards the idea of having sex.

Sex-repulsed/averse asexuals make up at least half of the asexual community, yet many don’t feel welcome to talk about their experiences in most asexual spaces. Even when it’s explained that it’s okay to talk about how someone personally feels about sex, as long as it doesn’t mean attacking others, there’s still all of this doubt.

Does the fear of being labeled an asexual elitist still linger on? I’ve seen some say they feel like “bad” asexuals for not wanting sex, in fact, I’ve said that too! I’ve been involved in the asexual community for 2 years, and I still experience these doubts!

Spaces for repulsed asexuals (or repulsed people in general) would be useful so they can more easily talk about their experiences, without that fear looming over them.

These spaces may also be useful for repulsed newbies who have a lot of pent-up frustration about the sexual world, and could help newbies “detox” by being allowed to vent these frustrations. Sex-repulsed people don’t have a lot of spaces to go to to talk about this. This has been mentioned before on AVEN, but a lot of people seem uneasy towards the idea, fearing that a space for the sex-repulsed will easily turn elitist. Does this show some distrust towards the repulsed, by the non-repulsed?

If it’s not that, is it simply the fear of newbies thinking such a space means they can get away with disparaging other people? Or are they talking about the fear of any sub-space turning elitist, but it’s just that no one there mentioned sub-spaces for sex-favorable asexuals yet? A sub-space should obviously cater to the needs of which group they’re for, and affirm peoples’ experiences and feelings as valid, but they can’t adequately be supportive if they’re shut out to differing opinions that could give constructive advice.

Do you have any experience with sub-spaces for sex-repulsed or sex-favorable asexuals, or run one yourself?

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5 thoughts on “Talking about sex-repulsed and favorable sub-spaces

  1. snowflake0w0

    Actually I feel the asexual community is almost the most unconcerned/indifference community in my experience.I mean members don’t care each others.They don’t have a thought like “We are all celibate,don’t need to use time for a relationship ,let’s being friends”.It’s quite frustrate for communication.But discrimination against and mistrust still exist.Therefore ,I thought the sex and the passion of wanting sex is the biggest adhesive in human relationship(not just romance only).Sex-repulsed people removed this kind of adhesive,it would be better to say they removed the illusion of “we are all same”,and they removed the security from others.(many people feel sex is their secure and comfort base,if they are not asexual )Another kind of adhesive in human relationship is love,I feel I wrote long article to explain”why don’t expect there’s any love nowadays”yesterday.

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    1. Aqua Post author

      That’s not what’s intended with wanting to create sub-spaces. I see a difference between “segregation” and “separatism”; the former (including systemic racial segregation) is imposed by a group in power, with the intent of controlling and restricting marginalized groups, while the latter is imposed by a marginalized group, to isolate themselves from the dominant society out of self-defense and self-empowerment.

      Separatism (at least not complete separatism) also isn’t intended here, because of all the challenges that come with that, especially the challenge of how to make the community grow. Members of the asexual community who feel like they don’t fit in within the main community would benefit from sub-spaces geared towards them. Although not a strictly asexual space, Outside of Sexuality technically functions as a sub-space for the repulsed, because of the many sex-repulsed asexuals who joined saying that it’s easier to talk about their experiences there than on AVEN. It doesn’t mean that they have to shut themselves off from AVEN.

      Ideally, a sub-space would still be somewhat connected to the main community, but some groups may feel left out in the main community, and need a space where they can more easily talk about their experiences. There was a rival asexual community years ago, that was very closed off and elitist, and died out because of it. Its members hardly reached out to anyone, and it died out while AVEN continued to grow. I mentioned them in an earlier post; they’re the Non-libidoism Society.

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