First post of the new year, and I’ll try to actually introduce myself! I finally got to updating my “About” page, which I’d been putting off since I started this blog in August.
I intended to introduce myself, and the background information that relates to my viewpoints, the scope of this blog, and what it’s supposed to be about. Because of how complicated it is, and that there are a lot of concepts that may be unfamiliar, I intended a multi-part introduction as soon as I started this blog to explain it all. It got put off again and again because of the difficulty, and my own tendencies to procrastinate. There’s also a lot of pressure to get this introduction done just right.
I could say that I got most of it done, but not in the way I expected. Over the months, I wrote pieces about it, but here, I’m going to piece it together.
The first part turned out to be my entry for the August 2014 Carnival of Aces. (warning: talk of sexual coercion, ableism and invalidation) It worked out perfectly that I started this blog in August 2014, and that month’s Carnival of Aces was about the “Unassailable Asexual” concept. The first people I came out to, were some unsupportive friends, who frequently, and thoroughly invalidated my asexuality. I internalized their invalidation, in ways that are directly related to the Unassailable Asexual concept.
I wrote a few follow-ups to that post. The second part of my introduction, was a post that I drafted that was titled “If I can’t be asexual, I’ll be antisexual instead!”, which was about the toll their invalidation took on me, how I nearly did cave into unwanted sex because of them, but how I managed to save myself.
I split that drafted post into two parts because of the length and difficulty. The first part was published, and re-titled as “They nearly pushed me over the edge“. The second part retained the original title, but has yet to be published. It was one of the most difficult posts I’ve attempted, but I did end up explaining the main points in my “About” page, if that counts for anything, so those would be parts 2 and 3 of my introduction then. As I said in part of this draft that did get published:
“To many asexuals, the asexual community is a refuge from the hypersexualized world; it’s the first place they find out that they’re not broken, nor wrong for not wanting sex, and feel affirmed to meet other people who feel the same way!… I had to turn somewhere else to find that assurance that I was needing… I needed to find another site of resistance against compulsory sexuality, and the sexuality that was being pushed on me. I had to take a very different path.”
I was dissuaded from finding the asexual community, but I was able to save myself from caving in. I didn’t say it outright in that part, but was going to in the second part, it was from the Antisexual Stronghold that I realized that I’m not wrong for not wanting sex, and that I don’t need religious reasons to say no to it!
I also intended to write a post showing the difficulties I had when I first found the asexual community, and that some of these difficulties are ones that I still struggle with. I wrote something, but still haven’t finished it. I’ve clashed with people on AVEN before, over differences in terminology of all things, and because there were some things I took the wrong way. Let’s put it this way, AVENites saying that they understand that I’m not an asexual elitist, and that I don’t hate sexually active people, but say that I’m not antisexual, I’m using the wrong label, and that I mean sex-repulsed instead, isn’t helpful to me. I’ve gotten frustrated, because it seemed like no one was listening.
I found the terminology and concepts from the Antisexual Stronghold to be very useful, despite being impractical to translate into English, and I don’t want to give them up and completely assimilate to AVEN’s standards just to be approved by the membership of AVEN at large. Sure, I’d fit in, because this is very isolating, but I’d feel ungrateful, like a backstabber. I’d also feel broken (or more broken). I’m not simply a sex-repulsed asexual, like some people say I am. I consciously rejected sex, and it wasn’t for religious reasons, nor was it a sacrifice of any sort. It is that rejection of sex that I consider the most important part of my sexual identity. I feel broken if I can’t use a term for this, and AVEN doesn’t have one.
I did explain how and why I’m currently part of AVEN’s Project Team, which could be considered the last part of my introduction. Now that I explained all of this, and pieced it together, you can see just how strange of a candidate I am for the role. This is what I mean by my concerns over conflicts of interest, and how much worse those concerns are now that I’m on the PT. Sometimes that still eats away at me, thinking this was a mistake, and that I should’ve never ran for this position. I knew this’d be an issue before I ran for PT, but I wanted to contribute, and further serve the asexual community despite that.
I’ve expressed regret over the path I took, because it’s so hard to explain, and is isolating. Sometimes I wish I had found the asexual community right away. I could’ve had a straightforward introduction, and fit in. I wouldn’t have had the clashes that I did. On the flip side, I know so much about the voluntarily celibate, including the self-identified antisexuals and what they mean, because I didn’t find the asexual community first. It is because of this knowledge that I challenged the monolithic approach towards “celibacy”, and am using this knowledge to create resources.